U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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