we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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