I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
In America we eat man semen.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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