Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Randomize
