There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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