I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
