I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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