Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
