Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
