Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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