hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
