Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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