PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
