sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
