Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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