The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
