If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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