just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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