im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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