if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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