My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
