I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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