Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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