So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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