Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
