You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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