Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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