Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
