oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
