just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
