They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
