i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
