im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize