Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize