Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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