I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you never un-have a 4some
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
