some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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