M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
