You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
