i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
