just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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