Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
