Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
