I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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