Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
