I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
