Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
