Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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