I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
