he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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