Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
