i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
