Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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