the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
