how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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