Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
